If Mum was alive. How many times have I heard that.
This entry is part 22 of 24 in the series The Amanda Chronicles

Jenny wants more.


At last some time to myself. So tired. But sleep eludes me as I lie in the darkness staring at the ceiling – again. It is becoming like a familiar friend.

The little ones were being so difficult tonight. They are usually good for Peng; why do they have to give me so much grief? A whimper from the next bed reminds me that Peng has her own problems. She has missed so much school this year. I keep telling Dad that she needs to go to the doctor; that it not normal to have such painful periods; but he just won’t listen. If I was older I could take her myself, but I’m not, so it has to be Dad. If Mum was alive she would have taken her last year.

If Mum was alive. How many times have I heard that. Every time dinner isn’t exactly how Dad likes it; or the cleaning isn’t perfect; or the little ones play up – he throws ‘If your mother was alive’ at me as if somehow the cancer was my fault.

The house is so peaceful this time of night. The boys have turned off their music; the little ones have stopped chasing each other; and Dad isn’t yelling at me. Even in such a large house, with seven people, I can never get time alone – except for this time of night when every one else is asleep.

It’s alright for them. The boys can get away in their cars whenever they want. Peng puts her iPod on. Dad doesn’t notice anything anyway. And the little ones just play. I wish Peng and I had the sort of bond they have, always giggling at each others unsaid jokes. It must be a twin thing; and there are too many years between Peng and myself.

I can just make out the One Direction poster on the wall above Peng’s bed. Crushes on real boys replaced imaginary ones some years ago for me but I can still remember being Peng’s age. Imaginary boys are the perfect fantasy – they will never let you down – not like real boys.

At least I am seeing Jordan at the shops tomorrow. Amanda was right. If I just stopped chasing him, he would come to me. I know he won’t be my boyfriend. All the girls wish that he was theirs, but I know better. He’s a player; he won’t settle down. Why should he when he can have any girl he wants. I just want someone to want me – if only for awhile. The last thing I need is a boyfriend. Not after Danny.

What sort of a boy breaks up with you on Facebook? He didn’t even change his status to Single first; he just swapped me for Mai. If only I had gone to that stupid party then Mai wouldn’t have got her hooks into him. Bitch! Some best friend she is. And Dad wonders why I lost it with him? He’s yelling at me over some stupid shit while I’m looking at a photo on Facebook of my boyfriend and BFF kissing – and it wasn’t just a peck, they were going for it – at a party he wouldn’t let me go to. Of course I lost it with him.

I’m doing that a lot lately. Things are really starting to get to me. Watching Mum die was awful. She was so strong and proud, but she just seemed to fade away. Then she lost even the will to live and she was gone. Dad just shut down. I remember him being so happy and funny; he would always make us laugh when we were sad; but now he hardly ever speaks – except to yell at me. I don’t remember the last time he smiled. Somehow everything fell to me to do. The boys are no help. As the eldest they should be responsible, but they say housework and children are women’s work so it’s my job. They both work in the shop, but I know they cover for each other when they bunk off to see their friends. I’m left to manage a big house with seven people, and do Year 12. At least Mrs Chang helps with the cleaning. Why can’t she do more hours? She needs the money and Dad can afford it. I know – I do the books for the shop – he’s rolling in it. And why doesn’t he get a proper book-keeper. I can’t keep up with study as it is.

Oh, I’m so nervous about tomorrow. My stomach rumbles as it does another somersault. I’ve kissed a few boys and Jordan’s suppose to be really good, but what if I mess it up? Can you mess up kissing? And what if he wants ‘more’? Danny was always wanting ‘more’ – and I would have liked to – if he just stopped pushing me. With all the hassles at home, I just wanted some time to relax, chill and have some fun. The last thing I needed was yet more hassle from a boyfriend. So when Mai offered, Danny went for it – and she hasn’t let me forget it either. It’s always Danny this, Danny that and ‘my boyfriend’. She better watch herself though. I overheard Danny’s cousins talking and apparently he is pissed that she hasn’t put out yet. If she isn’t careful he’ll ditch her for some other girl – which would serve her right.

I wonder what it would be like with Jordan? Amanda says that he is her favourite and Suze is with him all the time. I imagine him lying over me, his weight on me as he presses into me. Hmm… At least Peng is a heavy sleeper. I don’t know what I would do without this time to myself. My hand traces a well worn path into the front of my knickers as I relax and let go with my fantasies.


Can this day get any worse? The girls have been giving me so much grief about what happened with Jordan yesterday. The whole school must know by now. I couldn’t help it. We had just started kissing – and it was really good – but I freaked. The next thing I know Jordan’s kissing Lisa and I’m just standing there watching them. I was so embarrassed; but that doesn’t make me frigid. When I told Amanda what happened she got really cross and she said that she would sort it. I hope she isn’t going to make things any worse. I wipe away yet another tear before Mai can see.

We are sitting in our usual spot in the shade of the garden at the front of the school. Why the Aussie girls insist on sitting in the sun in the main quadrangle is a mystery. Don’t they know the damage it does to their skin?

“Girls! Girls!”

We all look up as Linh and Huyen come running over to us.

“Amanda and Jordan had a fight!”

No. Amanda and Jordan never fight. Linh must have it wrong. We all talk at once.


“No way.”

“Get out.”

“Shut up.”

“Yes, way. I saw it. She was right there when it happened, front and centre.” says Huyen backing Linh up.

We all try to talk at once again but that is getting us nowhere. “Enough! Let Linh talk.” I gesture to Linh. “Go on. What happened?”

“Well. I was with Michelle and she was helping me with my make-up.”

Nothing unusual there. Michelle does everyone’s make-up.

“Amanda and Jordan were next to us talking. I don’t know what about. Then suddenly Jordan’s yelling at Amanda ‘You don’t tell me what to do.’”

We all laugh as little Linh tries to impersonate Jordan, a boy twice her size.

“Amanda yells back ‘You made the mess. You fix it.’. Then they gave each other the Death Stare!”

We all gasp. You only got the Death Stare when there was going to be trouble. Even the teachers would back off.

“What was it about?” someone asks.

“Dun know. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about – but I was so scared. We all just froze staring at them staring at each other. I forgot to breathe.”

There is a lump in my throat and my mouth is so dry. I have a bad feeling that this is about me.

“Well, go on. Then what happened?” Mai is impatient for the rest of the story

“Well, nothing.”

“What do you mean ‘nothing’?”

“They were just staring at each other. Then Jordan smiled and said something. Amanda smiled back and they just started talking again like nothing had happened.”

“So Jordan backed down?”

“I suppose. Maybe. I don’t know what they said.”

I feel my phone buzz.

Amanda: J coming to talk to u

Oh no. Now I am really starting to freak out.

“There he is!”

We all turn to look at Jordan walking towards us; then quickly look away as if we haven’t seen him. I don’t know why – we’re not fooling anyone – but we all do it all the same.

“Hi girls.”

“Hi Jordan.” we all chorus as if we are surprised to see him.

“Jenny, gotta sec?” he says gesturing with his head for me to go with him.

I walk with him a bit before he stops me and we lean against the school wall. He has his back to the girls but I can see passed him that they are all watching us. He moves in close and starts to stroke my hair. Hmm. That’s nice.

“I’m sorry for what happened yesterday.”

“That’s all right. It was my fault. I was being silly. You don’t…” The words just tumble out. He stops me.

“Just let me finish.”

He really is a ‘take charge’ sort of guy. I could get used to this.

“Regardless of what you might have done, what I did was disrespectful and inconsiderate, I was only thinking of myself, and I’m sorry. I’d like to make it up to you. Your friends have been giving you a hard time?”

I nod as I seem to have lost all ability to speak.

“You don’t have have to do anything you don’t want to, but would you be allowed to come over to my place on Friday?”

No way. Dad would never let me go to a boy’s place on my own. “Sure.”

“Okay. Let’s go back to your friends. I’ll give you a quick kiss and say that I’ll see you Friday. You okay with that?”

I nod – my mouth is too dry to talk. Yesterday I messed things up with him; now he’s inviting me for some one-on-one time at his place. Only the special girls got invited over Fridays. Everything is happening way too fast.

We go back to the girls and like he said he gives me a quick kiss on the lips – which is as much as you can get away with at school – then says “See you Friday.” We all watch him walk away.

“You’re seeing him Friday?” Mai can’t believe it.

I just smile at her enigmatically and say “Maybe.”


Well, I’ve done it. It took some effort getting here. I had to bribe Peng with the promise of some One Direction stuff, and blackmail the boys by threatening to dob them in to Dad about bunking off, all so that when I told Dad that this was a school study thing, they would back me up. Even then it took some persuasion. He’s picking me up after he closes the shop so he won’t know differently until then.

Jordan passes me the salad bowl and I put some on my plate. The four of us are sitting around the kitchen bench to eat. I’m not used to so few people at a family meal. His folks seem nice. Mr Harris – he said to call him Alan – had cooked a barbecue. While Jordan helped his dad, Mrs Harris – Kate – and I had some time to talk while she got things ready. It was nice to be able to just chat. I so miss being able to talk to my mum.

“Jordan says you’re going to uni next year Jenny?”

“Yes Mr… Alan. I’d like to do Business Studies.”

“Sounds like that’s something you’d enjoy.”

“It’s really interesting, and I’ve been doing the books for my Dad’s shop.”

“Really? Well, if you ever want to come into the office just let me know. I’m sure I could talk you through the annual report. If are looking for work, Bob sometimes needs a hand with the invoicing.”

“That would be great Alan. Thanks.”

“Get her one of my cards son.” Jordan’s gone and back in a flash with one of his dad’s business cards.

“Dear, let the girl eat her eat her dinner.” Kate says giving me a wink. “Don’t get him started on fishing or you will never hear the end of it. That is a lovely dress Jenny.”

I’m so glad she likes it. I was really worried about what to wear. It’s just a simple charcoal shift with an elegant cut, but it wasn’t my first choice.

Bec had taken one look at what I had originally chosen and gone “Yeah. Nah.” before diving into my wardrobe. Michelle then started doing my make up and I couldn’t see what Bec was doing behind me, so I had to watch Amanda sitting on my bed as Bec pulled things out for her approval. It was so frustrating not being able to see which of my dresses they were talking about. Michelle even told me to stop fidgeting.

Eventually Bec and Amanda decided on the perfect dress. I was so shocked when they showed me that the room was spinning. They couldn’t have known that I had brought this dress for Mum’s funeral and hadn’t worn it since. The three of them were so gushing over it that I just couldn’t say no.

“Thanks Kate. I’m glad you like it.”

“That is a very unusual brooch. It goes really well with that dress.”

“It was my mother’s.”

Dad had bought her the Japanese cultured pearl and sterling silver brooch for their twentieth wedding anniversary. I had always liked the way the pearls seemed to be blooming from the silver leaves. After she had gone, I had taken it from her jewellery box. Dad doesn’t know.

After we’ve cleaned up the dishes, Jordan and I go to his room ‘to watch a movie’.

I look around Jordan’s room while he selects some ambient chill out music on his iPod. Nice place. The lights are low but I can see that it’s really neat for a boy’s room. He is so lucky having a whole granny flat to himself – we all have to share.

He joins me on the settee and he puts his arm around my shoulders. “You okay?” he says looking at me concerned.

Come on Jenny, no freaking out this time. “Yeah.” I say leaning in to him.

“You were so scared the other day. What about now?”

“I want to be with you.” my voice barely a whisper.

We look into each others eyes. He has that wicked grin that I just can’t get enough of. Our heads are getting closer. The gap finally closes and our lips meet. I whimper slightly, overwhelmed at how long I have waited for this moment. My tongue makes a tentative advance and meets his. I can feel his tongue stud and wonder what it would feel like on other parts of my body? Those parts go all tingly and I know I’m wet.

The few kisses I’d shared with other boys had been driven by emotion. This was different. This time it was about heat, longing – and lust. I want him – in every way.

We have slid down the lounge and I am now almost lying on him. I move my leg and realise that I’m not the only one getting excited. I rub my leg against him as his hand makes its way towards my breast. He finds and gently cups it, then rubs my nipple through the material of my dress. A wave of anticipation washes over me. I hear a gasp; then realise it was mine. My breathing quickens; chest pounding under his hand. I trace the line of his thigh with my hand and finding the bulge in his pants, I give him a squeeze.

We break our kiss and he looks at me. “If you want more, we’ll have to move around the corner.”

Do I want more? We’re here now and it’s everything I’ve dreamed about. Why stop? But do I really want to? Oh, I don’t know… For fuck sake Jenny – make a decision. “I’d like that.”

He picks me up in his arms, carries me to his bed and places me down on it. No boy has ever done anything like that! I look up at him; his green eyes looking back at me; that wicked grin on his face. I want him so much right now.

He sits me up and lifts the dress over my head by the hem, then kisses me as he reaches one hand behind to unhook my bra. It falls off and he sits back to admire my breasts. I arch my back to proudly display them to him.

I reach across and unbutton his shirt, feeling the muscles of his chest. The last button released, I pull the shirt off and drop it on the floor. He has such well defined muscles – all that training has paid off. I rub my thumb over the piecing in his nipple and it hardens – I didn’t know boys nipples were sensitive.

Kissing me, he pushes me on to my back. Eyes closed, I feel his lips move along my neck, just grazing the skin, as he works his way down. One hand is on the back of his head. His hair is so soft.

His lips make gentle butterfly kisses, first on my shoulder, then my chest. I can feel his breath on my breast. He teases me by gently blowing across a nipple, which hardens and I tremble. I feel the warmth of his mouth as he first kisses, then sucks on it. He gently pulls on it with his teeth. I gasp as he releases it and it snaps back.

He is being both gentle yet assertive. I have no idea what he will do next, but at the same time, I feel perfectly safe. He is in control and is driving me mad in anticipation.

Looking at him, he grins back at me before resuming the butterfly kisses down my body. He reaches my knickers and ever so lightly rubs his nose along the crouch. As he slowly traces the outline of the fabric, so painfully slowly, I try to arch my hips up to him but he stays just out of reach. This is driving me wild with frustration. Can you go insane with lust? I want him – now!

Jordan takes hold of the sides of my knickers and pulls them down, then spreads my legs and I am naked before him. I’m so glad I shaved. Amanda had given me the number of her beautician to get a Brazilian, but who has time for that? I feel his breath on me; then his tongue – everywhere but where I want him to be as he teases me. Finally he relents and my body trembles in a way that only I have made happen before. My hand on the back of his head pulls him into me.

When it gets too much I pull him up and we kiss. He tastes of me. I look into his beautiful eyes. “I have been thinking about this – with you – for months.”

“I hope you’re not too disappointed.” he says smiling.

“Oh no. It’s perfect.” And it is. I so want to please him, like me pleased me.

I undo the button on his jeans and pull down the zip. He rolls on to his back and wriggles them off.

Ohmygawd! That… is never going to fit.

I sit there staring for a moment before realising that he is looking at me, probably wondering what I’m waiting for. Okay Jenny, you can do this. What did Amanda say the day she ran that workshop on giving the perfect blow job?

Maintain eye contact. Take it slow. Use your hands.

I give him a shy smile and flick my hair over one shoulder. Looking him directly in the eyes, I lightly lick the tip of my tongue along his full length, then take him into my mouth. I use my tongue on the head while stroking the shaft. He closes his eye, lets his head go back and moans slightly. His hips are moving to try and thrust into my mouth. I think he might be enjoying this.

My mouth soon starts to ache so I stop, but I still want him so much. “I want to feel you… inside.” I say looking at him.

He takes a condom off the bedside table, puts it on and applies some lube. I watch fascinated before realising that this is it. The big moment. I take a deep breath, then sit on him. Using one hand for balance, I use the other to position him.

It’s not going fit. I bite my lip. It must fit – Amanda does this all the time, and she’s not much bigger than me. I wriggle about some more. Nope. No way. I’m starting to freak now – that’s not helping. Relax. Focus. No. It’s just… In!

I get used to the feeling of him, then start to move. Small, slow movements to begin with, but soon I reach bottom and have all of him inside. He fits perfectly. My legs soon tire and I want to feel his weight on me so we change position. He holds himself on his elbows, just keeping his full weight off as he takes me.

The small part of this that hurts is getting lost in everything that feels so right. I thrust my hips up to meet his. Looking up, I want to watch him to see what he looks like making love to me. He grins back at me then slips his tongue into my mouth. He is an amazing kisser. Our tongues match the rhythm of our thrusts.

Jordan starts to move faster. I hear his breathing quicken and he let out a small growl as he grinds into me. I know he is close. It doesn’t matter that it is starting to sting a bit; I’m not slowing down. After everything he has done for me I just want give him as much pleasure as possible. My hands are pulling him into me. He groans again, louder. Then his whole body tightens as he starts to shake. Finally he stops and we kiss, with him still inside. I run my hands through his soft hair. I don’t think I could ever get enough of this.

Eventually he gets off me, removes the condom, ties a knot in it, then comes back to cuddle me. I push him onto his back and put my head on his chest.

We lie like that for awhile in silence, savouring the moment, when his phone alarm goes off.

“As much as I’m enjoying this, we are going to have to get up and get ready for your Dad to pick you up.”

I really don’t want to leave just yet – or even – ever. “We’ve got time to lie here for a little while yet, haven’t we?”

“Not really. You’ve got have a shower, get dressed and do your make-up.”

“I don’t need a shower.” Does he think I’m dirty or something?

“Duh. Yes, you do. I can’t send you home to your Dad smelling of me; and you.”

Oh. Didn’t think of that.

We get up and he leads me – both of us still naked – into the en suite. We gently kiss while waiting for the water to heat up. We lather each other up with shower gel, then wash off. I had never thought of showering together – now I want to do this every time.

He gets out to dry off and lets me finish. When I’m done he hands me a towel.

“There’s perfume in the cupboard. If I haven’t got your scent, just pick one and if anyone says anything say you were trying my mum’s.” he says on the way out.

I see my reflection in the mirror – I don’t think I look any different – some how I always thought that I would be able to tell. Amanda and Suzie always seem so confident; so sure of themselves; I always thought that it was because of their experience, but I don’t feel any different – apart from an ache down there – so now I’m not sure.

I look at the dozen or so bottles of perfume on the shelf. They are all in various states of part use. I try not to think about all of the girls that must have previously stood naked on this very spot. He has my brand so I spray a bit and go back out to the bedroom to dress.

Once I am ready to leave Jordan takes me in his arms and hugs me.

“I’ll have to say goodnight to you here as I won’t be able to kiss you properly in front of your dad.”

He moves one hand behind my neck and gently pulls my mouth against his. He kisses me slowly and deeply; our tongues gently intertwining. It ends too soon. I know I want more.

When we go back into the house, Alan and Kate are talking to Dad at the front door. He looks at me and there is a look of first puzzlement, then in turn surprise, shock, and finally anger, as he recognises the dress – and the broach. He says nothing; he doesn’t need to; I know what he is thinking. I won’t let him spoil this night for me.

Facing Alan and Kate I smile and say “Thank you for a lovely dinner. I really enjoyed it.” I then turn to Jordan, reach up and pull him into me. I kiss him as deeply as we had earlier and for just as long. I’m sure that I can feel Dad’s glare boring into the back of my head.

We part. “Thank you” I say looking into those beautiful rugged green eyes, then turn and walk to the car without looking back.


I watch the cops walk away, then close the door behind them. The lady cop was really nice, especially as she knew I was lying – and she knew I knew she knew. Dad didn’t mean it. We don’t need any more trouble. I touch my cheek as the pain returns. The swelling should go down before school on Monday.

I look back into the house and survey the damage. A chair is on its side in the dining room. The good vase lies broken in the middle of the lounge, the flowers and water soaking into the carpet – that will have to be professionally cleaned. The kitchen floor is covered in smashed china. Peng and the little ones are still hiding somewhere upstairs. The boys pissed off to the shop at the first sign of trouble and left Dad and I to it.

We had driven home in silence, the yelling had only started once we were inside. But that was just the warm-up for this morning. We both said some horrible things. He said I was a disgrace to my mother’s memory. I described exactly what I had done with Jordan, using the foulest of terms. He called me a slut. I said I loved it. That’s when he hit me.

I think we were both as shocked as the other by the blow. We froze. Then my cheek exploded with pain. I reached for the nearest thing without really looking and threw it at him. He ducked and I watched one of the good cups smash against the kitchen wall. I threw another; then another; then plates and bowls. Some got him; most smashed into things. That’s when the cops arrived.

The neighbours must have called them as they said there had been a complaint. The lady cop sat me at the dining table to talk while the other one took Dad out the back to the family room. I almost laughed when I saw them together – he was a big Aussie guy and looked like the Incredible Hulk next to Dad. I could hear them talking out the back but not what they were saying.

The lady cop wanted to know what happened to my face. I said I fell. She didn’t believe me but I stuck to my story. She wrote the number for the women’s shelter on the back of her card and gave it to me along with a brochure for the domestic violence hotline. Before they left the big cop glared at Dad and told him “We don’t want to have to come here again.”

I am never going to get this mess cleaned up before Mrs Chang comes on Monday. Perhaps I could get some cleaners in on short notice? That’s when I hear the sobbing.

I had forgotten about Dad, but he must be here somewhere. I find him in the family room slumped over on the settee with his head in his hands. Is he sick? No, he’s crying. I can see the tears running down his arms. My heart breaks – why have I caused him so much grief? I sit next to him.

“Dad. I’m sorry.”

He looks up. His eyes are red and I can see the pain in them. He hugs me.

“Oh, Jenny. I’m so sorry. I miss her so much.”

“I miss her too.”

Then we both cry.


Listening to Peng softly breathe, I stare at the ceiling.

Hello, old friend. What are you up to?

I’m alright thanks Jenny. Just hanging around.

It has been an eventful couple of days. So much has changed. After Dad and I had both stopped crying, we had talked for hours. I saw Peng stick her head around the corner once, but I shooed her away.

When I told him that I wanted to go to Uni next year he asked “To study what?” as if I had not told him a hundred times already.

“Business! I told you. I want to do Business Studies.”

I couldn’t have asked for a better result. He listened to everything I said, really listened. About how I don’t have time to study and my grades are falling; that Peng is sick all the time; how I don’t go out with my friends; how I’m only a girl and shouldn’t have to manage a whole house on my own.

He is going to ask Mrs Chang to come in every day, and to make dinner so I don’t have to. And he is going to get a part-time book-keeper to give me more time to study. He even agreed to let me go out with friends more often. Things only got tense when he asked about Jordan.

“Are you going to be seeing that boy again?”

I straightened my shoulders and looked him in the eye. “If I want.”

He looked away and let it pass.

At family dinner Dad said that I would be going to Uni next year and they all had to help me. The boys had grumbled but Dad told them off.

“Your sister works twice as hard as both of you lazy pair together. One day she will be a great business woman. Not like you two – always sneaking off when you should be minding the shop. If your sales don’t improve I’ll dock your pay. Now stop complaining.”

They weren’t happy but they have had it easy until now. About time they pulled their weight.

And then there’s Jordan. I haven’t had time to even think about him.


Dad’s driving us to school before he goes to the shop – much better than having to catch the bus. Must remember to hand the note into to the office so that Dad can get us out early to go to the doctors – I check it is still in my bag. Dad had made the appointment. I told him that he had to do whatever was best for Peng and he had agreed. And I was going on the pill.

He drops us at the main gate and Peng races off to meet her friends. Dad stops me as I’m about to get out.

“Jenny. I love you and I am so very proud of you.”

“Thanks Dad. I love you too.”

I wave him goodbye as he drives away.

Okay Jenny. This is it. Amanda said that you know when you’re ready to go all the way when you can walk into school with your head held high knowing that everyone knows what you have done. Well, it’s a bit late for that now. My breakfast feels like it is in my throat and I’m sweating even though the air is rather cool. I walk through the gate and I’m sure everyone is staring at me even though no one is paying me any attention.

Entering the main hallway, I head for first class.

“Looking good Jenny.”

It’s a boy I don’t know, but I’m sure he bumped into me last week and didn’t even notice. “Ah. Thanks.”

I keep going. A group of girls watch me then start whispering to each other as I pass. Some boys see me and give me a whistle. What’s going on? Does everybody know? I finally meet my friends outside the classroom. We had only just said our hellos when Jordan comes up to me and gives me a quick kiss.

“Great time Friday.”

“Yeah.” That’s the best I can do? Get a grip Jenny.

“Jenny. Any time… Any. Time.” and gives me a wink before he walks away.

The girls are all looking at me stunned. Mai breaks the silence.

“You’ve done it with him, haven’t you?”

I look at my feet and I feel my cheeks flush. Come on Jenny, you can do this. Looking Mai straight on, shoulders back.

“Yes – and I loved it.”


All people, places and events depicted are real, just not in this universe.

© Paul Shipley

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