Your New Geek: Care and Feeding Guide

Congratulations on your recent acquisition of your very own Geek! You will find this newest addition to your life will provide many years of satisfying companionship, very appealing amounts of income, and overall improved happiness. Best of all, your Geek requires very little maintenance. You have joined an elite group by adding Geek to your family!

 

Feeding

Your Geek likes very basic foodstuffs, and is generally not opposed to most types of food. Each Geek is unique, so be sure to just ask your Geek directly if you’re not sure, but most Geeks enjoy Italian foods (pizza, spaghetti, etc.), meats (hamburgers, steaks, etc.), snacks (chips, ice cream, etc.), fruits & vegetables, and ethnic foods. While your Geek will generally prefer to stick to a small subset of foods that he enjoys most, your Geek will likely eagerly try new foods you offer to him2. Many Geeks like sodas and “energy drinks,” though some do not and will generally only drink fruit juices, milk, water, and so on. Ask your Geek to make sure, but most any food you have will satisfy your Geek.

2Please do not abuse this Geek feature to poison your Geek.

 

Communication

Your Geek likes to feel “connected” to his environment and will often go to seemingly excessive efforts to be online as much as possible to remain in contact with friends and loved ones. Do not mistake this for “not paying attention” to the real environment — your Geek is very aware of his surroundings and of conversations taking place around him.

In public settings surrounded by new people, your Geek may be somewhat shy in approaching people to start (or participate in) conversations. Introducing your Geek around to people you know will help break the ice and make him more comfortable. However, if you are as new to the group as your Geek is, your Geek will enjoy diving head-first into the fray with you (Geeks love playing social games as long as they’re not alone in it).

Your Geek is fluent in his native language and can read, write, and type very quickly and effectively. “Fresh” Geeks may sometimes correct spelling or grammar mistakes by others at inappropriate moments, but Geeks quickly learn to avoid this and are content to keep that amusement to themselves.

 

Entertainment

Your Geek is a very self-guided, independent creature. You will generally never have to feel as though it’s “your job” to keep your Geek entertained — he will almost always have (or find) some way to entertain himself regardless of the situation he finds himself in.

Your Geek enjoys playing video games but is not owned or ruled by them. While you may find your Geek playing on his own, he will enjoy the experience more if you join him.

Your Geek does not generally enjoy reality shows, cookie-cutter sitcoms, American Idol, or other “generic” television, but will eagerly watch dramas, mysteries, science fiction, and animated shows and movies with you. Geeks do not like commercials — consider obtaining a TiVo or simply downloading television shows and movies for best screening results with your Geek.

Your Geek will generally like most every type of music, though a few genres will be favorites while there may be one or two genres that your Geek intensely dislikes (most commonly, these are country and rap). Your Geek has an innate distaste for “Top 40” pop rock, so this may cause some discomfort if you enjoy such music, but rest assured your Geek does not dislike you simply for enjoying music he does not.

Your Geek will do his best to avoid seeing a movie in a movie theater or buying a DVD or CD because Geeks do not like the MPAA and RIAA and feel it is wrong to pay these organizations for suing their own customers — many Geeks will still accept gifts of movies, music, or tickets graciously, however.

 

Romance

Your romantic relationship with your Geek will not be like any other relationship you have ever had — your Geek is completely satisfied (seriously) solely by being in your company. Your Geek will, at random, but frequent intervals, do “little things” to remind you that he is thinking of you. This may be something as simple as an e-mail, or as elaborate as drawing a hot bath, with scented oils, candlelight, and rose pedals afloat on the water. Your Geek will clearly communicate his feelings toward you on a regular basis unless extreme circumstances prevent normal communication. Your Geek’s feelings for you will remain unchanged even if he cannot communicate them to you.

 

Work

Your Geek will generally pursue a career in computing or another science-related field, but will always be happier in his work than an average worker — he will always be able to find work doing something he enjoys, and will always make good money doing so.

You will never worry about your Geek’s work causing trouble in your relationship; your happiness is more important to your Geek than his work (your Geek knows there will always be more work, and that you, in contrast, are irreplaceable), and will gladly stop what he’s doing whenever necessary to spend time with you or help you with a task you face.

 

Sex

Your Geek will pay close attention to your needs and desires in the bedroom, willing to spend as long as needed to satisfy you before even thinking about his own desires. Geeks are naturally skilled in this department and are very considerate. Your Geek will be attentive and caring with you, without exception.

Your Geek is fully compliant with the standard Priority Interrupt protocol2. This feature is available at all times in this revision of the Geek firmware.

2 The Priority Interrupt protocol permits you to immediately interrupt any activity your Geek is engaged in for an intimate and/or sexual encounter with him, regardless of the importance of the other activity.

 

Other Women

Your Geek is not interested in other women. He is only interested in you. This will prove quite frustrating to other women who are interested in your Geek (they are, after all, a much sought luxury) and initially, you may be alarmed when other women try, with increasing desperation, to attract your Geek’s attention. Geeks are polite and courteous by nature, are not eager to hurt feelings or cause social discomfort, and will generally “grin and bear it” when other women get “flirty,” but will not engage in flirting behavior themselves. Your Geek does not like to be touched by other women or be the subject of excessive flirting or teasing by other women, and will do everything he can to avoid such situations. If necessary, your Geek will even flatly tell an excessively “eager” woman to back off, and take further action as necessary to stop the unwanted advances.

Your Geek does not need (or even want) to visit strip clubs, with or without you. If you take your Geek to a strip club, he will look at the gyrating women as expected, and will tip according to the etiquette expected in the venue, but he will compare each woman he sees to you. This comparison will not be favorable to the dancing women — your Geek would much rather imagine (or, better yet, see) you dancing for him than see other women doing the same.

Remember, the following simple statements are always true, and govern the behavior of your Geek:

  • You are wonderful and perfect for him.

  • No other woman is you.

As such, when any woman approaches your Geek to make a proposition to him, his thought flow is thus:

  • This woman wants to have sex with me. Is she [your name here]?

    • If yes, have sex with her as soon as possible.

    • If no, politely decline.

 

Personal Conflict

Your Geek strives to avoid conflict whenever possible, and is not designed for hand-to-hand combat. In a physical fight, your Geek may be able to hold his own for awhile, but is unlikely to win any protracted fight against a comparable (or superior) foe. Your Geek knows this, and knows many ways to avoid a physical confrontation.

Your Geek has an intensely strong sense of justice and fairness, and will fight (even against seemingly insurmountable odds) for a cause he believes is right and true. If someone tries to scam or rip off your Geek, he is likely to spot the deceit, avoid it, and tell as many others as possible about it, even if that action leads to more trouble down the road.

Able to care for himself and willing to take up a cause no one else will, your Geek will always fight when appropriate and flee when necessary.

Note: your Geek will never call you early in the morning asking you to come to a jail to bail him out, will never be escorted home by law enforcement agents or cab drivers for having consumed too much liquor to drive safely, and will never appear on a Jerry Springer-style show.

 

Maintenance

Your Geek requires very little ongoing maintenance, as he is self-updating. When your Geek makes a mistake, he will analyze his actions and decisions to identify the source of the problem, and will adapt to avoid similar errors in the future. Your Geek strives to be as good as possible at everything he does, so even if you feel like things are “going perfectly,” he is still hard at work in his mind to find ways to make it better for you both.

Provide your Geek with ample reading materials and room to experiment, and encourage his creative energies. Stand back just enough to give him room, but stay close enough to celebrate when he comes up with something cool. Because he does this often, you will have many opportunities to practice.

 

Toys

Despite public opinion to the contrary, your Geek requires very few toys to be satisfied and suitably entertained. When your Geek’s computer suffers a hardware failure, he will be much more satisfied buying the parts needed to repair it (and performing the repair himself) than if you simply replace the computer. This provides significant cost savings and gives your Geek something new to experiment with (conducting the repair). Permitting your Geek to exercise his skills regularly will keep him happy and talented.

Please look after this geek.

This was at http://stupidsite.org/new/funny/your-new-geek-care-and-feeding-guide but it is 404. Apologies to the original author.

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